Chocolate is the only safe food

The best thing about the internet is realizing that any thought you have, someone else has had before.

When is it too late to have caffeine? Is my potted plant growing mold or are these spider larvae or is this what it looks like when it’s healthy? Is that John C Reilly’s voice in that TurboTax commercial?

Since I’m bad at tasting food but interested in cooking it the main thing I ask the internet is what foods are safe and normal to put together. You can put apples in eggs, and you can put potatoes in soup, and you can put raisins in curry and nuts in cereal and anything in anything as long as at least one person on the internet has said it's ok. Because the internet is just a giant metal laptop-shaped room full of your friends. 

But then last week, when I searched “can I mix peanut butter in greek yogurt” and nothing came up I noticed a related search at the bottom with tons of results: “peanut butter greek yogurt bodybuilders.” 

“A giant metal laptop-shaped room full of my bodybuilding friends!” I thought. But I was wrong. These people are not your friends. And they give super bad advice.

“Do it!” said the bodybuilders.

“I’ve eaten it four times today” said the bodybuilders.

“Edible” said the bodybuilders. 

That’s how I ended up ruining perfectly good peanut butter and perfectly good greek yogurt. I made the same mistake with tuna omelets and mustard salmon and then I learned my lesson and I’m writing it here to save you time: everything you read on the internet is a lie.

Except today I read any cat can run faster than Usain Bolt (not just cheetahs, house cats too), and I hope that’s true because I think it sounds amazing. What do I need to eat to get more "fast twitch" muscles? Would peanut butter tuna do it?

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