It's 2014 and a lot of mysteries have been solved: the sun's general whereabouts, how worms pee, ice cubes, but there's one thing no one has any idea about and I think it's because we're all too nervous to ask.
Why is everybody keeping so many books next to the toilet?
Books are great, and I like reading as much as the next person. My family has a friend who stores books in her dishwasher because she washes dishes by hand anyway and needs the extra book storage space. Books in the dishwasher is pretty weird, but it makes more sense to me than books in the bathroom. And I see books in bathrooms all the time.
I have three theories:
THEORY 1: EPIC JOURNEY
I've always assumed that people must be taking so incredibly long to use the bathroom that they need to prepare for it the way they would for a long commute or a journey west or a trip to outer space.
They're bringing reading material because they're going in not knowing when they're coming back out.
Why they're in there so long I have no idea. Lack of fiber? Too much fiber? Very long digestive tracts? Those have question marks but they're not questions, I don't really want to know the answers.
THEORY 2: OVERACHIEVERS
I was talking to my mom on the phone a few months ago about people who have it all together, who are going to school while working and keeping plants alive and wearing mascara and she's not into those people. My mom says some people need to learn to take it easy.
"I went to someone's house the other day," she said, "and there was a book in the bathroom. A book in the bathroom how sad is that, even the two minutes it takes you to sit there and go to the bathroom needs to be useful multitasking time you can spend getting a page ahead in your book. Why can't people just take two minutes off from it all and go to the bathroom."
I have a few additional suggestions for people who read in the bathroom because they like multitasking.
- Do squats instead of sitting so that you strengthen your leg muscles
- Check your arms and any other visible skin for unusual moles
- Recite the Greek alphabet twice while you wash your hands
- Also use that hand-washing time to check your teeth in the mirror in case there's salad in them.
THEORY 3: SECRET HIDEOUT
I think sometimes people want to play Candy Crush and Words with Friends and their real-life friends are tired of them being on their phone so they stay in the bathroom forever. Like the guy in This is 40. Maybe that wasn't This is 40. Whatever movie that was.
Actually it was This is 40, here is proof.
He's playing Words with Friends. See that tea light on the back of the toilet? I have so many questions about bathrooms.
Anyway, maybe some people are the same with magazines and finance books? Maybe they're just looking for a quiet place they can read with their pants down because people won't leave them alone.
We'll never know.